shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize