i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
