plz talk dirty to me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
