i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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