I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
