im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
