see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
