i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
