what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
