just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
