He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
