Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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