idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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