Can i not drive my cunt home
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
