but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
