You just made me feel so damn special
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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