I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
