If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i barfeds in our rink
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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