u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
