Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
