sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
where are my eyebrows?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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