Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
