Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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