I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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