forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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