low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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