They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
