Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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