everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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