i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
