my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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