She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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