I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
