Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
