I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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