I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
