do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he puts the penis in happiness.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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