I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
