im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize