I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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