exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
