It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
