Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
