he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My dick has a subreddit
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
