I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
