Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
