Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
