I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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