NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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