I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
