yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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