It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
