made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i drank out of a bidet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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