Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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