Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
