happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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