On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
